How Do I Want To Be Remembered?

I don’t mean to be morbid. The sun is shining and the temperature outside is climbing each day. Spring is officially here, but my mind goes elsewhere. What else is new? I have been thinking about my impact on others in my life, or even those I meet in passing and may never see again. I don’t know if you want to call this a mid-life crisis, but here we are! I’m not worried about a legacy or anything like that. I will live and I will die like everyone else. What I am thinking about is how I will be remembered in people’s hearts. Did I make an impact? Did I make life better or worse for them? Did I leave behind a trail of destruction or hurt, or did I uplift their spirits?

I know it’s not my job to determine the answers to these questions as I cannot be responsible for other people’s impressions or perceptions. I think I am reflecting on whether I did my best with the knowledge that I had in that moment in time to make life better. I am certain I could have done more in many situations. I am certain I have said and done many things that may not be forgivable. What I hope is that I was able to rectify my actions by sincerely apologizing, and minimizing pain—if even in the slightest degree.

I remember in elementary school how one boy, above all others, picked on me the most. This went on for years. At some point, in our last year (which would be grade 8), he made another sly remark in front of his friends as I walked past them. Later, someone asked me why I never responded to his remarks with insults or any other comeback. I remember my response vividly. I said because I knew the pain of being insulted and I didn’t wish that upon anyone. This boy is now a man and someone I consider a friend, even someone I revere.

This was one of my greatest life lessons. Today, clapping back when it comes to taking a stance for myself, others, or a cause, I certainly do not shy away from. However, insults that I know full well that can sting I have always tried to avoid (but, I am not perfect). I do hope to be remembered for not maliciously uttering words of hate. Truly. In reading this, if I have wounded you with my words let this be a sincere apology.

However, if I walked away from you I can assure you I have no regrets. Do I sound harsh? Well, I know in my heart I will try over a thousand times before I give up on anyone, even the worst of the worst that have crossed my path. If I walk away there is NO chance of me ever returning. Call it ruthless, stubbornness, determination, strong-willed, or brute strength, but it is what it is. I don’t consider this a matter of forgiveness but of survival. I think you can forgive, but from afar. Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting them in your life. For the very few people that I have been able to walk away from, how they remember me is of little consequence.

So, I guess my experience of others does matter in terms of how I wish to be remembered. I know I still have years left of this life in this body. I know I will continue to foster current relationships that I hope deepen with love and respect as the years tick by. I know I will meet new people, if even for a brief moment. I will declare here and now that I will try my absolute best, with all the knowledge bestowed upon me to date, in this 44th year of life, to—at the very least—be someone that is kind and—with great aspiration—to positively impact another person’s life. I leave it up to you all to hold me to it!