How To Navigate Through Emotional Pain

No one gets out of life without experiencing some form of emotional turmoil. It is what truly shapes us and alters our growth right down to the spiritual level. So, if this is as common as having a belly button, why is it still taboo to talk about it in social circles?

It is said that North Americans smile more than other people around the world and have a more cheerful disposition, however our rates of anxiety and depression are far higher. The new buzz word around this topic is ‘toxic positivity’. What does that mean? What’s so wrong about being a positive person? Inherently nothing. Except, when faced with trauma or upon receiving negative news—for instance—the question is what is wrong with accepting the reality of it instead of trying to pat the person on the back and say, “There, there it will all be ok. Don’t worry.” More often, that is not truthful nor is it helpful.

It is meant well but it can make the other person feel like their sad or angry feelings should be dismissed instead of acknowledged. Some things are hurtful, terrible, dreadful, painful and saddening. Acknowledging this state of being can be comforting. Dismissing these feelings by using toxic positivity can further drive negative painful feelings deeper inside.

The danger—like all feelings that are not acknowledged—is that they can come out in other disruptive and unhealthy ways like aggression, angry outbursts with coworkers, family discord, or worse, through addictions. It can lead to anxiety or depression which may circle one back to self medicating behaviours such as substance abuse.

Let’s admit it, toxic positivity is oftentimes more for us than for the other person we are trying to comfort. We might feel awkward or uncomfortable with their situation, and frankly have a difficult time facing the truth ourselves—that it is actually a terrible thing they are going through.

Life is hard. We experience soul-crushing blows to our hearts through loss, illness, divorce, relationship issues and so much more. Maybe we do smile too much as North Americans. What I mean by that is maybe we need to show a more vulnerable side of ourselves with people we trust and care about.

This idea of being a winner or loser in the game of life is a façade. It’s a lie that has been fed to us. The richest people don’t get out of experiencing loss, heartache, or trauma. When will we begin to see that each and every person is on the spectrum of emotional pain at any given moment in time? You could be in the thick of grief or learning to genuinely smile again after a long illness. You may have just received devastating news about a loved one, or tasting again some tranquility for the moment. Emotional pain is on a continuum for us all. The difference between you and I is time!

This does not mean all scenarios are created equal and that what is easier to navigate for me will be easy for you as well. It simply means that life is not a bed of roses all the time, but if you find yourself in your proverbial bed of roses recognize the experience and stay with it. Take it in. Live it fully. Ironically, I would say the same thing for emotional pain. Here is where you might disagree with me, but let me explain.

Instead of rushing through pain, trying your hardest not to feel it too deeply, or pretending it isn’t there all together (which we already established how detrimental that can be), hold onto it. Say hello—so to speak—invite it into your life like a welcomed guest. This guest, like most guests, won’t stay for long, however they will hang around longer if you pretend they are not in the room. Sit with your feelings. Cry. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be hurt. Breathe in the heartache fully. Acknowledge that this totally sucks!

Politely, push back when someone says it will be okay because you know it will be one day, but that is not what you are feeling in the moment. Tell your dear friend that you need to sit low and navigate through before you can come up for air. You know they mean well but you need to feel this deeply in order to process it.

It takes great strength to cry and not apologize as you wipe away your tears. I am not dismissing the power of positive thinking, but shedding light on the power of sitting with negative emotions. One of the greatest disservices we do to our male children is covertly imply that they are weaker if they show emotion. As parents, let’s not get caught up in that trap. Boys need permission to cry just as much as girls do.

So how do you get past it all? As I previously stated you can’t cheat here. It will never work! Feelings are strong currents that don’t do well with dams, so don’t try to block or redirect them. Ride them and channel them through by helping others. Again, I am not trying to avoid acknowledging pain, but a powerful tool to help you navigate through rough waters is to pull people up!

Think of the wonderful charities people create in honour of their deceased loved ones. Think of the young adult whom because of the tragic death of their parent who died of cancer becomes an oncologist. Think of the countless volunteers who each have their own heartbreaking reasons for doing what they do each day. Their hearts are no less full of pain, but their souls are replenished with the joy of giving. It can be powerfully healing to give.

On a slightly smaller scale, listen to a friend in need even if you are on the early spectrum of your emotional pain journey. You might find similarities and make some connections to your own situation. You might get the idea to start a small online group with others who may find themselves in a similar situation.

I can promise you one thing, your emotional pain is not unique. You are unique, therefore how you navigate through emotional pain is unique. However, your general situation has been experienced before. Help those around you to see your present emotional state and/or find your people. Connect with those who have been through it before. The moral of the story is to talk, connect, get through to others, share and ultimately inspire. Your path may be the blueprint to healing for another. Pay it forward. You will be rewarded many folds.

I wish you well as you navigate treacherous waters. Regardless as to where you find yourself along this path, just know you are certainly not alone. People are coming up behind you, and there are many leading the way for you who have already lived it, perhaps even many moons ago. Stay honest with your painful feelings as you stay present. Breath them in and let them go with each breath you take. Don’t forget to reach out for a helping hand and reach down to uplift others in need. No one rides these waters alone.