The Cost of Friendship

This is a sticky subject. One I’ve attempted to tackle a number of times but repeatedly shield away from. I think I’m ready to give you my two cents worth. I’ll start off with a quote from my father (translated from Italian):

“Friendships cost money. Period. If they are real friends you won’t even care because with time it all gets reciprocated two-fold…one way or another. So NEVER be cheap with a friend!”

Cosimo Tavernese

For some, this might seem obvious. Gilda, of course friendships cost money. It costs money to go out, to have people over, and sometimes if you are lucky to travel together. For example, we recently returned from my sister’s destination wedding in Aruba (my fourth time visiting, I HIGHLY recommend to add to your bucket list for a beach vacation). Over dinner, friends of ours discovered we were going and decided to book a trip as well. They were not issued a formal invitation but decided it would be a great opportunity to spend time together. Of course, we forced them to crash the wedding and danced the night away on the beach under a beautiful Arubian moon. Their presence meant the world to me and I can never thank them enough.

Conversely, I’ve experienced the opposite. This is where the conversation gets ‘cringy’ because I run the risk of seeming ungrateful, judgemental, or unkind. However, I think it’s important to delicately address this issue because I strongly feel I am not alone. This issue can create wedges in otherwise great friendships. One sided generosity in a friendship has left me feeling unappreciated, used, and has saddened me to the point of not wanting to nurture the friendship any further. I’ve also been told that I must accept people for who they are or break ties all together. However, as I’ve mentioned in past blogs, some relationships are more complicated because they have invisible forever ties that make it difficult to walk away from.

Frugalness amongst friends makes for uncomfortable moments that starts to create a wall that is difficult—after some time—to dismantle. There are levels of financial differences that you may think I am not seeing, but for the sake of conversation let’s assume that we are comparing apples to apples and the other party is able to be equally generous and giving. I know as well that everyone has the right to do what they want with their money, but then shouldn’t you take less from others if you are not willing to give or put in equal shares? By the way, I have dropped subtle and avalanche hints over the head—over the years—but still nothing.

I believe dinner parties, dinner out, or just hanging out for a coffee should be a delicate dance and balance of give-and-take. It should be the foundation of a friendship. Namely, you trust that all you put into a friendship, whether it be time, effort, or money will be bestowed unto you with equal love, and in the spirit of generosity. So how come for some people this concept is so difficult?

Well, I started off with a quote from my father, so I’ll end with a quote from my mother (translated from Italian):

“We are not all the same. It takes all kinds in this world. We have to accept people for who they are or quietly move on.”

Emy Tavernese

So, like many things in life I guess what it comes down to is choice. How much are you willing to put into a friendship without feeling you are being taken advantage of? It is now time in life to take a stand. These are our forties and with each passing day I too want to live a ‘drama free’ life. I want to surround myself with people that love and appreciate me. People with whom I can share belly laughs with and cry on their shoulder. I want to have people in my life that can depend on me and reach out whenever and wherever. I want to feel good after an interaction, and I hope others in my life feel good after interacting with me as well. After all, is this not central to life itself?

I cannot wait to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below, or as many of you prefer, private message me anytime.