What Truly Lies In The Belly Of The Angry Beast?

We have all felt anger. It’s a primal emotion. Certainly I have been angry many times. My hot Calabrian temper rests behind an old tree stump in the forest of my emotions, but she is ready to attack at a moment’s notice. Ok, it may sound like I’m proud of her—well sometimes I actually am—but most of the time I’ve come to recognize it’s the shield that protects that one true vulnerable emotion. That emotion is FEAR. Yes, we can feel angry when we witness injustices towards others, but for argument’s sake what I’m focusing on here is anger in interpersonal relationships.

It is not to say that anger is bad—it certainly has it’s place—but fear is the guiding emotion that few people will admit. You don’t have to go far to see the anger and venom that is spewed on social media, namely in the comments section. Wow! Peel the layers of those comments and you will see that the fear of making a mistake, fear of looking foolish, fear of not being smart enough, fear of being hurt is the driving force behind most angry, vile comments.

At work, amongst friends, or even with your children, when angry outbursts occur—whether you are on the receiving end of it or you are the angry beast—stop and take a nano second to think about what is the fear based emotion. It might not be apparent in the moment but if you start to shift your thinking you might see how a change in approach could change the whole outcome.

Now, what if you start to reveal the true fear based emotion? I know, this is the big question. This is what makes anger always lead the battle, when in reality talking about the fear inside would truly stop the war. Let’s peel this onion. What if you recognized the fear and started from that vantage point? Expressing your fear based emotion can be much more intimidating but could pierce the heart of the issue. What if you asked the other person what their fears were? What if you explored their true fear based emotion and allowed them the opportunity to unpack it? Wouldn’t that get to the root of the problem faster than f-bombs and name calling?

This is my challenge to you. Peel back the venom layers. Put down the anger shield. Start to explore the true fear based emotions behind the situation. Imagine all the colossal arguments that could be avoided. Imagine how peaceful resolutions would take their place instead. If you feel safe enough in that interpersonal relationship, whether it be with your intimate partner, a co-worker or friend, stop and think what the fear based emotion might be and reroute! There are many fear based emotions: fear of missing out, fear of being left alone, fear of not being included, fear of being hurt, fear of being wrong, fear of being right, fear of losing the other person, fear of being lied to, fear of not being good enough—just to name a few! Remember to ask yourself what truly lies in the belly of the angry beast.