“Don’t Ever Change”

For some people the phrase, “don’t ever change” may sound like a positive statement. However, this statement has forever irritated me. It reminds me of being in elementary school because it was said to me repeatedly whenever I did something for someone that I didn’t particularly want to do or even particularly like very much. It actually encouraged me to do quite the opposite. Perhaps the rebellious side of me was reawakened whenever that phrase was uttered. Thankfully, the perpetual people-pleaser in me wore off as I became an adult—albeit not fast enough. Which is not to say that I was not treating others in kind, I just began to not allow certain behaviours to be acceptable for me.

Truthfully, is wasn’t until I hit my mid thirties that I began using the word ‘no’ more often. I think I went through a somewhat of a mourning period in which I felt sad that I had lost many opportunities to defend myself, and angry for the way I was treated by some people throughout my adult life. I simply didn’t know I could push back. I also didn’t know how. A series of events in my late twenties catapulted me into growing up fast, and all that ‘adulting’ entails.

In many ways I thank those people that were involved in that situation. They broke me down in ways I didn’t know was even possible. However, the decision to permanently sever ties was a brand new notion for me. To have to exist knowing that there were people in this world that despised me just for being who I am truly was a bitter pill to swallow. I thought I could never survive such a social conundrum.

Yet, here I am. Fast forward a decade or so and looking back makes me actually chuckle. Had I the confidence and the tact to speak my truth—that I feel I have today—I am certain it would not have gotten to the point that it had. Actually, in many ways I think it could have been resolved and we could have possibly even moved passed it. I think that is where my lack of maturity comes into play. I saw it as an all or nothing scenario because I was not able to emotionally, or physically, handle it. I say physically because I developed Bell’s Palsy from the extreme stress. That is when I drew the line in the sand and began to put my health, and essentially myself first.

I probably don’t say this enough, but I like who I am today. At 43, I like that I am not afraid to speak my truth. I don’t feel I am as angry as I used to be in my mid to late thirties. I have found a place for my misplaced anger. She sits on a shelf in a pretty box. She is taken down and unleashed whenever I truly feel I need to use her—which is less often these days. Thankfully, I have found some peace and I think I have mellowed out so-to-speak.

I recently told a friend that I am learning to argue with only those that I care about most and who have my best interest at heart as well—which I have mentioned previously. I am also learning when to let things slide by choosing silence instead of confrontation. It’s a delicate balance and sometimes a difficult one to strike. In that particular discussion with my good friend I stated that silence is sometimes a powerful stance to take. It takes every ounce of self discipline for me with certain people because staying quiet can be excruciatingly painful.

Therefore, I don’t want to not ever change. We should wish for one another to do the opposite—to improve—to grow as a person. We should encourage one another to take every opportunity to challenge our fears and insecurities. I’ve mentioned that each new year I no longer make resolutions but take one fear or personal challenge and tackle it head on. Change is the only way to evolve. To wish a stagnant existence is to wish death—that is how I equate the phrase “don’t ever change”. So I wish for each of you constant change, evolution, self discovery—and I hope you can break through your own boundaries, whether they be created out of fear or driven by other insecurities.

Don’t ever stop changing!