I Didn’t Really Want To Say Goodbye

The weather has improved and the flowers are starting to bloom (minus the record breaking cold snap we’ve had for a couple of days). Sometimes, when we are on the other side of not-so-good days we are able to reflect upon what could have been. For some, the depths of the dark hole were too profound to get out of. It is when the sun shines bright again that I often think of those for whom the light did not touch. It is certainly not anyone’s favourite topic, and for many still taboo. Suicide has taken more lives in the last year than in previous years. I would like, if even in the smallest of ways, shed a warm ray of light on the shadows of suicide.

I think it is best to be honest. I am not writing just as a former mental health professional, but as a survivor. The depths of teenage depression didn’t leave me unscathed. Active suicidal thoughts plagued me for a number of years. Attempts—although I will not go into detail—were thankfully unsuccessful. In that moment, the thought of ending it all was very real, but being fortunate enough to look back I can say for myself that the true desire was to end the pain, not my life. I can easily say I never want to experience those thoughts again. Although I’ve had moments of skimming the surface again—as a mother—it’s a road I dare not walk down. However, this does not make me better than anyone who has lost their life to suicide. It is a kindred connection, a mutual shared experience (although not fully) that allows me to understand what it is like to be in the lowest emotional state of the human mind.

My greatest desire in writing today is to awaken your mind to the suffering of those who suffer in silence—often with a smile to hide the pain in order to protect the ones they love most. They are not weak, but the bravest of them all for taking on their own mental demons, so often alone. Putting themselves on the forefront of their greatest battle—the one against themselves. Shielding their loved ones from knowing how deep the pain has truly become, but often unknowingly mistaking this to be a battle in solitude. They are not alone, but the feeling of loneliness is so great they can’t see the love and life savers all around them. They don’t really want to say goodbye. They don’t want to permanently part ways. It’s the unrelenting pain that they so desperately want to end.

Often surviving family members and friends are left with the guilt of ‘I should have known’ or ‘I would have helped’ or ‘I could have stopped them’. Please know their love for you never wavered. It was so great that they could not bare knowing you would suffer alongside them. You may feel angry—a legitimate feeling—but they are not angry with you. They want nothing but love, happiness, and sunshine for the rest of your days. So step outside. Let the warm rays light up your day. Do it in memory of that person, for they wish nothing but peace and happiness for you—for their happiness lies in seeing you smile and seeing love and life in you.

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If you or someone you care about is having passive or active suicidal thoughts, please do not hesitate to contact or attend your local hospital, or reach out to the following services:

Canada Suicide Prevention Services:

1-833-456-4566

Anxiety Helpline—Online Therapy In Ontario:

1-647-326-4285

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