STRONZA!

(*Warning: Subject matter may trigger some people (partner abuse). Please read with caution)

What happened after your meeting? What did your boss tell you ?

STRONZA!

How are you feeling?

STRONZA!

Why did you go out for a coffee with her?

STRONZA!

I’m sorry I can’t stop crying.

STRONZA!

I’d like to talk to you about my feelings.

STRONZA!

It bothers me when you do that.

STRONZA!

I miss you.

STRONZA!

Please stop calling me names.

STRONZA!

Please don’t talk to me like that. Speak to me respectfully.

STRONZA!

Please don’t leave me!

STRONZA!

Silence…

STRONZA!

(*stronza means bitch in Italian)

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What can be worse than the person you care about most in the world, the person you trust the most with even your soul, starts to treat you like you are dispensable. As if your presence alone disgusts them. They start to treat you like an emotional punching bag, spewing whatever despicable words come to mind because they are convinced they are justified. They are having a bad day, or a bad week, and you didn’t phrase your question to them just right, so they unleash. The person you love becomes the very demon you fear. Shock keeps you rooted to the ground but your mind races, immediately excusing their behaviour. You know it’s wrong, but you believe them when they tell you it’s your fault for asking the wrong question at the wrong moment. “You should know better than to ask me that now”. They have you cornered. They know you won’t run. So, after the verbal lashing comes the mental abuse. “Because of what you did I don’t want to talk to you or see you at all today”. You plead for forgiveness. The more vulnerable you appear the stronger they feel. “Now you are really upsetting me. You think I care that you are crying? I know I can live without you. Actually I know I can live a better life without you. I’m leaving you!”. You beg for them to stop as they walk out the door. You beg for forgiveness, even though you know in your heart that it’s them that should be begging you for forgiveness because of their behaviour—but you push down those feelings because logic in this moment won’t get you anywhere. They leave. You are left picking up the pieces of your broken heart. Shaking uncontrollably, fearful that they have left you forever. Wishing you could go back in time to take back your words that triggered the demon inside them. You convince yourself that they truly are a good person, they are just having a bad day. Eventually, after they think the torture or ‘the lesson’ has been engraved deep enough, they return full of conditions and ultimatums. You are left grovelling at their feet. Left to feel thankful for their return and for the second (fiftieth, hundredth…) chance at getting it right and not disappointing them again. You know you are only one misstep from triggering them, so you put on your best face. Your altruistic perfect self is on full display. You desperately wish they could coddle you and make you feel better, but you know it doesn’t make sense to seek comfort from the very person who has hurt you—but you secretly still hope for some sign of change, some sign of regret on their part. Their kind words and smile lure you back. “Are you scared of me?” You shake your head in disagreement. Silenced. Until next time…

This is a meaningful subject for me. I’ve worked in women’s shelters, and counselled numerous women at every stage in their journey. I’ve studied and written several papers on woman abuse, which is now an outdated term. Language is important because it sets the tone for change. Domestic abuse, spousal abuse, or intimate relationship abuse is more inclusive because it encompasses all types of intimate relationships, not just between a man and a woman. Although women are disproportionately vulnerable to being abused, and possibly killed, by their intimate partner—abuse can occur in various types of relationships, especially if there is an imbalance of power.

Physical abuse is one form, but often the most insidious and life altering forms of abuse are the emotional and mental grips an intimate partner may have. The obvious and often question of ‘why don’t you just leave’ is sometimes hard to answer for the abused person because the bond they feel for the person who is mistreating them is real. The good times feel good and living without them seems impossible.

Home is supposed to be the ultimate safe haven. Too often, it is the most dangerous place to be for people who find themselves in abusive relationships. These lockdowns, being forced to interact with only the people in our household, has pushed some vulnerable people—especially children—into volatile and potentially life threatening situations. Please don’t forget to check in with friends, neighbours, and family members who may secretly be fearful of their living situation. Be honest about your concern for them, and let them know you are willing to support them through whatever decision they may make for themselves. The most dangerous time for a person who is being abused is often soon after they have left the home. They need the utmost support, especially to feel safe and protected by those who care for their well being. If this rings true for you personally, please reach out to someone you trust. I can assure you that you are not alone, and there are many people who are willing to support you throughout your journey to heal from your physical, as well as your emotional wounds.

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If you, or someone you care about, need assistance dealing with an abusive situation please do not hesitate to reach out. Here are just a few great resources:

http://www.domesticshelters.org (Ontario Domestic Violence Help, Programs and Statistics)

http://www.legalaid.on.ca (Legal Aid Ontario)

http://www.awhl.org (Assaulted Women’s Helpline)

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