The Art of Forgiveness

To be forgiven is what we often desire, to forgive is what is expected of us, which can sometimes be difficult. We teach our children to “say sorry” when they have made a mistake or have hurt someone’s feelings—the child that is hurt is expected to accept the apology on the spot, supposedly resolving the issue instantly. I wonder if that is really the best thing we should be teaching our children. We can tell them to say sorry but if there is no real remorse or if they don’t change the behaviour is it really effective? How about we ask children, “Do you realize what you have done is wrong? Are you ready to say sorry?”, and leave it up to them. Similarly, the recipient of the apology should be able to decide if and when they are ready to accept it, and if they are able to move past it. Sure, it’s not as easy as just demanding an apology and expecting that the apology be well received, but it may be more sincere, and truly create positive behavioural changes for all parties involved! I realize I took a simple exchange between children and made it more complicated than maybe it should be, but I wonder if it would help them in the long run. Fast forward to adulthood, and women are often seen as the main peace keepers in relationships. Often having to forgive and ask for forgiveness in order to keep the peace. I sure feel this way! The burden of keeping the peace often lands squarely on my shoulders.

I personally find it easier to apologize, but struggle with forgiveness and moving past the hurt. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing! Constantly saying sorry every second sentence that it looses its sincerity at times. I find that moving past hurt feelings and continuing a friendship is often a steep mountain to climb. Of course, it heavily depends on the details surrounding the issue, but if it cuts deep the wound heals much slower, often leaving a scar. Now a scar is hard to move past because it’s a permanent reminder of the hurt, the pain, even the trauma of the experience. I don’t think we often see a big fight or disagreement as a traumatic experience as an adult (excluding abusive behaviour)—but a fight between girlfriends, for example, can have a lasting effect. For me, my circle of trusted, vetted people so-to-speak, friends is fairly narrow. Once that circle of trust has been broken I struggle to put it back together. I think it takes courage, a certain level of maturity, and often, time to see things more clearly and objectively.

“Spoken words cannot be unspoken or taken back. They need only to be acknowledged. The words, along with the pain, need to be acknowledged before asking for forgiveness”

In the heat of the moment words are exchanged, and maybe tears, but I find it’s in the very heat that the truth bubbles to the surface. Spoken words cannot be unspoken or taken back. They need only to be acknowledged. The words, along with the pain, need to be acknowledged before asking for forgiveness. Then, it’s up to the other person to grant this gift, for it truly is the greatest gift. Unfortunately, this is where I falter and stumble mid-stride. Unless I feel that the other person truly understands how they have hurt me I find it difficult to move past it. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and therefore expect grovelling, but it’s as though I want them to see my bleeding heart before I try to sew it back up again. Forgiveness is truly an art form which takes time and practice to master. I would say I am still at the undergrad level.

As I’ve gotten older I have learned to let go of the little things, but I find I dig in my heels for the bigger, more at stake, arguments. In other words, I have less tolerance for what I perceive as nonsense. Of course, one of the key reasons for forgiving someone depends on who they are and what they mean to me. I can skim off the top my parents and my two sisters, since I will forever and always forgive their nonsense behaviour…don’t worry girls, I know you forgive ALL mine too!

Forgiveness does not grant power to the other person, but releases you from the burden of having to carry the weight of the pain. I say this and understand it without hesitation, but forgiving and reconciling are two different things for me. I will eventually move past the hurt and the pain to the point where it’s no longer a burden for me to carry—but moving past to the point of trusting the person again is a different story. It’s not a quality I’m particularly proud of—actually I am struggling to admit it because I think there is a certain level of stubbornness and pride that gets mixed into the hurt and the pain after awhile. Although some things are unforgivable, I think I can do a better job at salvaging worthwhile relationships. I think it starts with trusting in my own ability to get past the pain unscathed more so than my trust in someone else. I think I just had an ‘aha’ moment. Of course! I have to trust that I will be ok regardless of what may happen in a relationship. My trust in others starts with my trust in me! Trying to avoid pain by avoiding a person altogether cannot be the answer. Therefore, forgiveness truly does start with believing that I am capable of overcoming obstacles in a relationship, regardless of the outcome. My bleeding heart is mine to sew up again, even if I’m the only one that sees it.

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