Perfect Procrastinator

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In the good old days (you know you are getting up there in years when you start a sentence like that) the only distraction I had was the television, and maybe the telephone —if I got a chance on the phone and if I was able to get through without a busy tone (NB I said telephone not home phone, there was no distinction back then, there was only one!). Whenever I had to write an essay in university I would often prolong my start with a Friends rerun, ‘it’s only half an hour’ I would tell myself. A snack, and an episode (or two) later—I finally would get off the couch and slump upstairs to sit in front of the only computer in the house that happened to be in the spare bedroom. The guilt of having wasted so much time would often consume me during the first half an hour of my work time. As ‘punishment’ I would not allow myself to move from that chair unless I produced a descent introduction for my essay, and organized my research by colour code. Conversely, my ‘reward’ would be another quick snack (usually chocolate) after about an hour of work, but I would have to set a timer so I would not be tempted to slink back onto the couch. That’s how I got through most of university! Rewarding and punishing myself into doing my work.

I think it’s a lot easier to be distracted now, and therefore perfecting procrastination seems to be something I have accomplished. It’s not just the television or the telephone, but all social media—or going down the internet rabbit hole, as I often say, that has made this behaviour worse. I’ve learned that procrastination is not a sign of laziness, per se, but a fear of having to do something ‘perfectly’. In other words, perfectionists make the perfect procrastinators (say that five times fast!).

How I deal with my procrastination in my forties depends largely on one thing: my ability to forgive myself. I try to keep my ‘punishments’ to a minimum and focus mostly on rewarding myself—not necessarily always with food either, but positive internal dialogue. For instance, when the laundry basket seems to be overflowing I focus on the other good things I did that day like vacuuming or getting groceries (which I hate doing). I also focus on self care acts of kindness like talking to a friend on the phone, reading a good chunk of a book, or even being a couch potato. Sometimes doing something mindless like watching ‘smut tv’ is also taking care of my mental health since I often feel like my mind won’t stop racing.

I find starting is the hardest part for me. I may take forever to start something, but once I take even the smallest step suddenly I’m full speed ahead. So after my initial guilty feelings and putting in check my personal mental torture, I find that I have to force myself to take breaks. When writing essays in university I would often miss meals or forget to drink enough water because I didn’t want to break my momentum. I find I do the same thing with writing my blog, for example, once I get in my zone to write I often do it in one shot (mostly, depending on my kids’ urge to ask me ‘a very important question’)—also because I find it is more authentic to write it all at once in order to fully capture the feeling of the moment.

Ultimately, I believe letting go of having things done to my level of perfection has helped me, but I’ll admit it’s a constant effort. Positive internal dialogue, and forgiving myself when I don’t start something that I think I should have started—all contribute to being less anxious—the potential vicious cycle of procrastination! Some days my level of enthusiasm for accomplishing tasks can be great, while other days I can be much less productive—I’m learning to be ok with that…