A phobia is no joke. It’s a paralyzing fear that can cause insurmountable anxiety. The source of my particular phobia…dogs. I used to say I love dogs, I’m just petrified of them. How could I love them and be afraid? It’s simple: they are very cute, but they have big teeth and a wide mouth, all the more to eat me with. Ok, so I have a backstory that’s understandable to most. I was chased by a German shepherd when I was a pre-schooler. It was my neighbour’s dog that had gotten loose. Oh I ran as fast as my little legs could, all the while hearing the cries of adults telling me not to run because it would make the dog chase me more. Screw that, I didn’t stop until that dog was called back, which felt like an eternity. I never quite recovered.
I would come to spend half my life on this earth desperately trying to get over this phobia. I’ve heard every comment you could possibly conceive, “Dogs can smell fear, that’s why they come to you…she won’t hurt you she’s friendly…hahaha I can’t believe you are so afraid of this little thing, it’s more scared of you than you are of it…I’m not putting away my dog for you, he’s my baby!”. Every time we visited someone’s home as a child, whom I didn’t know, I would make my parents call them and ask them if they had a dog and if they could ‘put it away’ while I was there. One time as a teenager, I forced myself to get into a car with a loose dog and thought it was do or die. I nearly died…of fear of course. I didn’t make it very far. The driver had to pull over and tie the dog up. Fun times! As an adult, working at Children’s Aid Society and going into different strangers’ homes every day, I couldn’t show weakness because I held a position of authority. Therefore, every time a dog came to the door I held my hand firmly on the door handle and shouted that I was severely allergic to dogs and commanded (politely) that they put the dog in a closed room. On one occasion, I was at the front door of a client’s house about to ring the door bell to begin my investigation with a police officer by my side, when I heard a dog barking. I used that little trick up my sleeve regarding my ‘severe allergy’, when he leaned over and whispered, “I’m scared of dogs too, I use the same story”. This made me chuckle. I was caught red handed!
So now you might be wondering how I got over my fear since my best friend and partner in crime is my four legged fur baby, Luna (which means moon in Italian, my daughter named her). Just a few short years ago I had a friend who told me she was planning on getting a dog. I told her we could no longer be friends, half joking, totally petrified I would actually follow through on my word. In short, I was genuinely worried about how I was going to navigate this social conundrum. She told me I would just have to get over it, I replied, “good luck with that, I’ve been trying for years”. One warm day I was feeling terrible emotionally. I had received some sad news but, like any mother does, I wiped my tears away and went to pick up my kids from school. My friend was standing just outside the school yard gates surrounded by squealing children fussing over this little black and white furry puppy. I instead approached with caution, not wanting anyone to notice the fear on my face as I stood a good distance away. To my dismay she spotted me and darted for me, probably stepping on a few children’s toes. She said, “you have to hold him for me…he’s a puppy Gilda, it’s a good way to get over your fear”. I wanted to drop that animal on the floor and bolt. She placed this little fur thing in my hands who was shaking from fear (probably from all the after school hustle and bustle). In that moment I realized something. This dog really was more afraid of the situation than I was, and he was relying on me to protect him. I slowly held him against my chest, trying to quietly reassure the poor animal. My eyes frantically searched the crowd for my friend to return, but surprisingly the longer I stood there feigning calmness the more comfortable I became.
I had my slow motion, movie climax, moment. At the risk of sounding cliche’, all my sadness and crippling fear truly melted away. I was so very proud of myself. That day, that dog and I bonded through fear. He never forgot me either, always showing a tremendous display of excitement whenever he saw me (by peeing on me whenever I walked through the door!). I had developed genuine puppy dog eyes for puppies and the desire to have one of my very own grew almost over night…
Thoughts At F___ It Forties 