42 and Feeling Blue

’42 and feeling blue, but I appreciate all the kind messages from you! Although we are all in lock down for awhile, thanks for trying to make me smile’

It was my birthday recently, and this was my social media post. ‘Blue’ might have been too strong of an emotion. I guess when you celebrate a birthday during a pandemic, and you are a responsible citizen of your immediate society, your pity party for one might last a little longer than it should. I really wish I enjoyed drinking, it might have been helpful (I rarely even socially drink, I know—I have a lot of growing up to do). There really should be no complaints on my end. I have adoring, doting, loving, generous beyond their emotional means, parents. Whom, even during a lousy Canadian cold winter day, delivered a full hot meal for my family of four—all made from scratch by my very talented Italian mother. Heartbroken to not be able to spend time together on a day that I’m celebrating not just me…but them! Face calls with my two sisters (and their respective husbands), nieces and, newest addition, nephew. All heart warming, but my soul yearns for more than warmth right now. It needs full blown mid-summer sun! I need my extended family! I need to be around a table full of homemade warm food. I need belly laughs from conversations with my incredibly witty, self deprecating, (should be writing for SNL, or her personal favourite..Tina Fey!) hysterically funny older sister (barely, we are 15 quick months apart). Not to be out done by my equally funny, intelligent, type A (truthfully all three of us are in our own way) sporty-by-nature, all-heart, younger sister (by two years, but much taller). I miss my deep thinker, big questions, serious conversation starter brother-in-law. Followed by the most recent addition B.I.L. who is chill as a cucumber, duck on water type (calm on the surface, paddling like crazy underneath), who is probably still questioning our sanity, our mood swings, and our family mojo. I miss them all!

My husband and children were genuinely and sincerely happy for me. Big Canadian-style breakfast, adorned by a homemade card and big smiles from my sweetest Ms. G, and cuddly hugs from Mr. D. throughout the day. I also received countless messages from friends and loved ones, and an in-person, socially distant, outdoor visit from my dearest cousin and confidant and her family (thanks for braving the cold!). I sincerely appreciated it all. Truthfully, I’m just tired. Tired of the sadness. The isolation. The putting on a happy face for the kids. Will I still do it again tomorrow? Of course. However, since it’s my personal pity-party, I will pout if I want to—at least behind a closed bedroom door where no one can see me. It’s not a new normal. It’s a new and strange way to live through momentous moments.

So cheers to me! Cheers to all us brave souls that have endured special moments alone or by staring at loved ones through a screen. Cheers to better days ahead—and cheers to crying, to fake smiles, to broken or disappointed hearts, or to just napping away through ‘blue’ moments. Cheers! Even if only through a screen.